My name is Charitta. As you know I am the second oldest of five children. I am a wife and I am the mother of three children. I pray this blog finds the person it is meant for and I pray that you hear my heart.

To be honest with you… I HATE MY LIFE. In fact, it would be easier to tell you the times when I was happy because I can do that on one hand. I HATE being a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and co-worker. I often feel overworked, unappreciated, and underpaid in EVERYTHING that I do. I mean EVERYTHING!

I have felt more like a curse than blessing. My name is a derived of Charity, which means love (I know you knew that), but love was NO WHERE to be FOUND. I have always been that one person who has always felt out of place. I had very little friends and most people that I loved gave me pain instead. I looked for love at home in my parents and siblings. I went looking for love through men. Either way I ended up in pain and hurt. Regardless of where I turned there was no such thing as LOVE.

(As a side note) I am not sure what I was truly looking for or expecting from others. I just knew they were NOT giving me what I wanted.

Have or do you feel empty? I mean so empty that it you feel like your body is covering this deep black hole. A hole that is sucking all the life and energy out of you and everything you touch?

Have or do you feel alone? At times I feel so alone that even in a group of people it feels like I am the only person here. In fact, I have convinced myself to fake a smile because quite frankly people just DON’T care.

I started The Lord’s Charity because of those very reasons. I was alone and I felt so empty, but through a defining moment I had come to the realization that something had to give so I went looking for Jesus.

That was 5 years ago and today I feel just like I did when I started this blog. I feel alone, crushed, beaten, and empty. WHY you might ask, didn’t you just say that you turned to Jesus? Well on November 23, 2012 I LOST JESUS. I didn’t really lose him I just left him behind. See this is the day my mother passed and it has been hard getting back to Jesus ever since.

I was ok turning to Jesus when everyone disappointed me, but WHO was I supposed to turn to when Jesus disappointed me? He is the one person who is supposed to LOVE me the right way. Well not having a mother is not my definition of the right way.

Since losing Jesus, I have drowned further and further into the black pit of darkness. There is NO WHERE else to go and NO ONE else to turn to and I LOST JESUS! Last night my brain came to the realization that dying and going to HELL would be better than the pain that I feel at this present time. (I know that YOU know what I am talking about YOU have been there too). If it was for my spiritual upbringing I would have probably mediated on that thought until I did something about it.

It is easy for me to tell others to trust and believe when it is their pain and hurt and now I can’t even do what I have been saying. BUT how am I supposed to LOVE someone who hates me so much:

  1. That they allowed my mother/best friend to die?
  2. That they allowed my job to become a place of torment, where I have become a step stool for others? A place where I would get nothing for my hard work, no bonus, no promotion, and to antagonize me further I can’t even switch departments/regions.
  3. That they would allow me to mother more children than I can bear?
  4. That they would allow me to a failing marriage? To go through a period of darkness that truly makes me feel alone? Does my life story end with this mockery, leaving me with nothing to show?
  5. That they allowed me to move to a state that I HATE, a place that cost more to live in than I have funds and has no family support?

To be honest the list of questions could go on and on and on. Don’t misunderstand me I STILL BELIEVE IN GOD, but…

The infamous but. Does Jesus care about ME? Does he care about MY pain? Does he care about MY feelings and what I want for MY life? Did you bring me into existence to laugh at me and poke fun of my insecurities and lack of self-worth? Did you create me to show off your GOD powers?

The really question is how do I love Jesus when I DON’T feel like he LOVES me.

I have more questions than I have answers. I have more excuses than I have determination. I have more I DON’T CAREs and LEAVE ME ALONEs than I have in seeking out the information. But I know deep down inside there somewhere there is HOPE. I know if he did it before, if he gave me a life of love and liberty, that he can do it again. Everyone has to start somewhere so here is my start. This is why I started this Blog this is what it is all about because I DO BELIEVE with my whole heart that if Jesus can just fill this void EVERYTHING would be better.

Love eternally,

C

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