My name is Charitta. As you know I am the second oldest of five children. I am a wife and I am the mother of three children. I pray this blog finds the person it is meant for and I pray that you hear my heart.
To be honest with you… I HATE MY LIFE. In fact, it would be easier to tell you the times when I was happy because I can do that on one hand. I HATE being a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and co-worker. I often feel overworked, unappreciated, and underpaid in EVERYTHING that I do. I mean EVERYTHING!
I have felt more like a curse than blessing. My name is a derived of Charity, which means love (I know you knew that), but love was NO WHERE to be FOUND. I have always been that one person who has always felt out of place. I had very little friends and most people that I loved gave me pain instead. I looked for love at home in my parents and siblings. I went looking for love through men. Either way I ended up in pain and hurt. Regardless of where I turned there was no such thing as LOVE.
(As a side note) I am not sure what I was truly looking for or expecting from others. I just knew they were NOT giving me what I wanted.
Have or do you feel empty? I mean so empty that it you feel like your body is covering this deep black hole. A hole that is sucking all the life and energy out of you and everything you touch?
Have or do you feel alone? At times I feel so alone that even in a group of people it feels like I am the only person here. In fact, I have convinced myself to fake a smile because quite frankly people just DON’T care.
I started The Lord’s Charity because of those very reasons. I was alone and I felt so empty, but through a defining moment I had come to the realization that something had to give so I went looking for Jesus.
That was 5 years ago and today I feel just like I did when I started this blog. I feel alone, crushed, beaten, and empty. WHY you might ask, didn’t you just say that you turned to Jesus? Well on November 23, 2012 I LOST JESUS. I didn’t really lose him I just left him behind. See this is the day my mother passed and it has been hard getting back to Jesus ever since.
I was ok turning to Jesus when everyone disappointed me, but WHO was I supposed to turn to when Jesus disappointed me? He is the one person who is supposed to LOVE me the right way. Well not having a mother is not my definition of the right way.
Since losing Jesus, I have drowned further and further into the black pit of darkness. There is NO WHERE else to go and NO ONE else to turn to and I LOST JESUS! Last night my brain came to the realization that dying and going to HELL would be better than the pain that I feel at this present time. (I know that YOU know what I am talking about YOU have been there too). If it was for my spiritual upbringing I would have probably mediated on that thought until I did something about it.
It is easy for me to tell others to trust and believe when it is their pain and hurt and now I can’t even do what I have been saying. BUT how am I supposed to LOVE someone who hates me so much:
- That they allowed my mother/best friend to die?
- That they allowed my job to become a place of torment, where I have become a step stool for others? A place where I would get nothing for my hard work, no bonus, no promotion, and to antagonize me further I can’t even switch departments/regions.
- That they would allow me to mother more children than I can bear?
- That they would allow me to a failing marriage? To go through a period of darkness that truly makes me feel alone? Does my life story end with this mockery, leaving me with nothing to show?
- That they allowed me to move to a state that I HATE, a place that cost more to live in than I have funds and has no family support?
To be honest the list of questions could go on and on and on. Don’t misunderstand me I STILL BELIEVE IN GOD, but…
The infamous but. Does Jesus care about ME? Does he care about MY pain? Does he care about MY feelings and what I want for MY life? Did you bring me into existence to laugh at me and poke fun of my insecurities and lack of self-worth? Did you create me to show off your GOD powers?
The really question is how do I love Jesus when I DON’T feel like he LOVES me.
I have more questions than I have answers. I have more excuses than I have determination. I have more I DON’T CAREs and LEAVE ME ALONEs than I have in seeking out the information. But I know deep down inside there somewhere there is HOPE. I know if he did it before, if he gave me a life of love and liberty, that he can do it again. Everyone has to start somewhere so here is my start. This is why I started this Blog this is what it is all about because I DO BELIEVE with my whole heart that if Jesus can just fill this void EVERYTHING would be better.